Sunday, February 4, 2007

the long run

here's an email i just sent to a man i care a lot about, my dad. we were talking about a tendency we've both had over the years, which is, to stuff our feelings and feel resentment:

"at this point what i'm attemtping to do is invest for the long run. i didn't have my eyes on the long run for a number of years; i had Young Man's Disease and i was thinking in the short-run. and that's focusing on the stuff right in front of me - feelings, etc., that might or might not be The Point ... by that, i mean, the larger thing that matters ...
for me, strangely, the thing i'm learning is that denying my feelings in the short run, stuffing them, whatever, is a way not to deal with the larger thing that matters - and accepting/embracing my feelings - but seeing what they're really pointing to, in the larger sense, is a way to see the larger thing that matters, in which case, i can put the feelings in perspective.
weird."

it is weird. and for years i thought if i were a loving and nice person, i shouldn't acknowledge feelings that were not nice, mean, angry, whatever ... but they build up ... stay in there ... fester ...
and now i'm learning to say, Here is where i am today. It's okay. And ... what is most important to me? what do i care most about? what do i want, for myself and those around me?

it may be weird, and i'm still learning, but it seems to be working.

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