Thursday, February 1, 2007

shut up, Jesus

i sometimes have many days in a row when i just feel good. things seem to go well. or rather, i seem to be able to do and handle the tasks and needs that come to me, and to choose to do the things that i want to/have committed to. it's a good feeling. i like it. i find myself humming and making jokes. my email box empties ... i say, Sure, i can help you. i'm full of self-awareness and willingness to take care of myself, rest, work, speak my truth.
and then it often happens that i crash. well, wait, i'm not sure that one follows the other. but it did yesterday. i crashed. i just didn't give a shit, and i felt afraid and angry and overwhelmed the longer the day went. i was just a - see, our culture says to call it a "train wreck" or "disaster" or "mess," when i am sure that it's just where i chose to be, need to be, am. it's this lesson and this truth. so that's why i'm writing about it. i want to learn about this. and the best place to start is to say, Welcome Shadow ... :-)
what i believe about this is that yesterday was a be-there-with-and-for-a-lot-of-people's-stuff-and-wants-and-crises day and after a while i just feel put upon and resentful and victimized. i know this about myself - i've learned it in 2006 - it's a pattern. many times in this part of my life when i'm aware of a pattern i click into, i can acknowledge it, thank it, and decide what part of it i want to keep or not. but this one is tough to see. it's deeeeeeeeeep down. by the end of the day - got done with people at 9 p.m., started 7:30 a.m. - see how i'm justifying it for you? for me? jeezy creezy i'm SICK - and i mean that in a perfectly accepting way - i just didn't want to get healthy. wanted to be in a worse mood. and let myself. yelled. ate frosted flakes. got in bed. pouted.
and then ... i felt much better. i hadn't pushed it away or even tried (much) to reason with it - i just let it roll. and ... my soul appreciated that.
and then my wife came home and reminded me that i'm going to miss something i really really wanted to do thursday night because we're going to see our daughter's drill team. i adore my daughter and love to see her dance with her girls. COMPLETELY SEPARATELY as an issue is that that was just another moment in which i had the thought: my life is not my own. JESUS HELP ME! and Jesus said ... Oh, yeah, you're such a victim! work it!
and I said, Shut up, Jesus.

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