Thursday, May 24, 2007

The List

sorry to have been offline for a week.
i don't know why i have been. i would do The List -
my lower back's a wreck.; lots to do at journey; time with family; laundry, dishes, cleaning.
notice that all of these are chores - even "time with family," which The List can't list as fun; it has to be work, if it's going to do its job.
the feeling of being inadequate, for me, is connected to worry that i'm not doing What You're Supposed To Be Doing. for decades i have worried that i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing - that i'm not being good, pleasing people, working hard, keeping everything together. it really, really sucks. it's like a low-grade fever, or a not-bad-enough-to-have-to-stay-in-bed flu, or a bruise on my heel. it keeps saying, "you can't rest."
you can't rest because something isn't right. so, don't relax. be hypervigilant. you're not doing a good enough job. if you were, things wouldn't be so fucked up. don't sit down. don't rest. there is no such thing as rest for you; you deserve to take breaks, because you work so hard. but you can't afford to let your guard down for long.
this fever, flu, bruise, is, as Morpheus says about The Matrix, "like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad." the madness? is in not resting. feeling like there's always more that has to be done. that it's not enough. that i'm not enough. that i've blown it. AND out of that? comes resentment.
You can't possibly expect me to take on THAT project on top of what i'm already carrying! I don't want to come and help you but i feel way too guilty to say No. so ... You are being unreasonable and putting unfair burdens on me. what, haven't i been a good enough person?
Which then, for me, has translated into not feeling empowered to say No to anything (without first becoming really pissed off, or feeling really sad), either what i did or didn't want to do or take on. and so, immediately, The List would jump into my head.
Oh, I'd love to help you, but - i've got to do this, this, this, this, this, this, this. that's different from saying, "this is where i'm going to be Friday" - that might be important to communicate for whatever reason.
this, on the other hand, is, "let me prove to you why it's okay that i'm not being there for YOU TOO!" and just under the surface?
a. god i am such a loser - that person needs something/that person isn't happy/that situation is wrong and i'm messing up by not fixing it. [but i'm not a loser.]
b. what is it with everyone? when do i get to rest??? what about ME? you jerks! i'll SHOW YOU how burdened i am and then you'll know. [but you're not a jerk.]
c. if i list it then maybe i'll believe that i'm not a bad person just because i can't be there for this, that, and i need to convince myself - if the list is long enough, maybe ...
here's the thing:
The List does not work.
what it does, for me, is keep me distracted. it's a focus on something that's not the point. the point, for me, is love. love for god, love for self, love for other people. learning to love and trust and forgive. The List is a distraction from that - it's not about the truth. the truth is, "Rest. Be Still. Work when there is something to do that actually deserves your effort and time. When you choose to. But you don't have to. You don't have to do anything. Breathe. Be still. You're the beloved, no matter what you choose."


Twisted Christian said...

Yes, you are loved. I know because I love you and so does God. Take a moment to give yourself a second to recognize that fact.

To paraphrase in a way I know you'll understand: Get over yourself.

- T.C.

revrin rick said...

back atcha.
it's very very cool to remember. i'm letting go today and that feels just right.
okay, not totally right. but i'm getting there.