Wednesday, June 6, 2007

much much better

i love that moment in the movie "white christmas" - i think i'm remembering this right - when bing crosby and rosemary clooney are flirting over the piano keyboard, and bing says "is that better?" about a way to play the song, and rosemary says, "yes, that's much better" - and then danny kaye says, sweetly, "much much better."

i feel much much better. i took the day off yesterday. did nothing. ran an errand. went home. took a nap. went to L's and my appointment with our wonderful therapist, which was already scheduled from a few weeks ago, so the timing was great - i talked about feeling sad and grateful at the same time ... and it was just fine. very fine. went back home, got back in bed, prayed, slept, prayed, slept. got up. spent time with my family. went to bed.

for years and years i didn't know it was alright to just sit and be sad when i was sad. it's good to know that it's okay to be WHATEVER i am - that the universe will still go on. it's quite wonderful, actually. is that what elderly people come to, those who have lived courageously? a sense that when death comes, it is alright just to sit with it, and know that all will be well?

anyway, freedom comes from sitting with it. looking at it. breathing it.

fixing it doesn't work worth a damn. there is no fixing it. there's just being. and that's plenty.

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