Friday, November 2, 2007

the people of the wrestling match

i had a dream last night/this morning that leslie and i were leaving a movie theater; i think our daughter was there; we saw our therapist, pushing her mother in a wheelchair (?), we saw lots of friends; it was crowded; walked out the doors and we were saying something fun about our son, who wasn't there; on a rock in a nice landscaped bed to our left stood a journeyer who said, If he's Jacob, who's Esau?
i have no clue about where that question is about overall, but the beauty of dreams is that our subconscious has picked something only because it will help us sort out our feelings - a dog, a warm breeze, a straw, a friend, whatever.

jacob and esau are twin brothers in the book of Genesis; esau's the first-born, who grows big and strong and goofy. he can't see anything past whatever body part is active. he trades his role as inheritor of the family wealth and responsibility, for a bowl of stew - just because he's really hungry.
young man disease run rampant. he's his daddy's favorite. hunter.
jacob's the second-born, who grows weaselly and tricky and really smart. "jacob" means "grabs." he tricks his way into a fortune, over and over.
young man disease run rampant. he's the mama's boy. he's going to climb and build and have.
jacob tricks esau and then runs for his life; goes and finds his own way as a man; tricks another man; comes back and before he reenters the homeland, he stays up all night wrestling with god - sweating, straining, swinging. i think he gives up his running, and says, This is who i am, and i'm going to rely not on my own plans, but on god's presence with me. the angel says, Your old name was Grabs; now your name is Wrestles With God And Lasts.

i thought about the question again. who IS jacob? who IS esau?

i thought at first that it was about our son. who, in my judgment, is sort of like jacob - crafty, smaaaaart, a little unsure of whether he is okay or not; waiting for something. like i was at 20. good heart, young man guilt and worry and vision. lots of promise.

it then washed over me that it might also be about journey. journey is a faith community full of promise. great people. good heart. not necessarily willing to abide by anybody's rules. most have "left home."
but it's good, for me, that journey doesn't have YMD. young man's disease is about self-absorption and worry and ascent and It's All About Me.
you know you're getting over YMD and you're no longer jacob or esau when you can stop and rest, stop and breathe, have compassion, and be okay with not knowing The Only Answer.

maybe journey is better named neither jacob or esau, but Wrestles With God And Lasts.

esau and jacob are shadows of each other; mirrors; each has his story to share with his brother; each teaches his brother something. esau forgives; jacob apologizes; both grow out of YMD.

that question in my dream - If he's jacob, who's esau? - is about what my life is based on, what anyone's life is based on.
what things am i choosing? what things am i pushing out of eyesight? what things will i become? what things am i grabbing onto? what things am i wrestling with?

5 comments:

nonprofitprophet said...

Sounds like the title of a good book "Wrestling With God". Strange, one of my employees came in my office this morning, said she had a dream I fired her. Seems she was more displeased, or at least unsure, with herself and it wasn't really anything to do with me. She was wrestling with an issue and felt comfortable enough to come talk to me about it, because it wasn't about me. Basically your last paragraph in a nutshell. Go figure.

journeyingrick said...

yeah! go figure!

i think my dream may have been about my fears around journey being broke at the moment, or about my own trying to discern my mission as journey evolves, or maybe i just shouldn't've eaten that bowl of ice cream right before bed ...

i'm glad, npp, that you have always created that kind of space for people - long as i've known you - to come and talk and feel accepted and like they can be real with you. that ain't just about being a prophet - that's about being a pastor.
aww, shit - now i said it.

Anonymous said...

Esau, like the Walrus, is Paul. Wrestling's just like dancing if you turn up a good strong back beat -- pure art. You can lose your band or 100 mil or your inheritance 'cause momma, she can be cruel. The show goes on with the egg man's cue... "Let it Be."

Chiron' said...

I know it's early and I'm not particularly with it at this hour, but maybejacob or esau are two sides of the SAME coin? (Which, in my judgement is to say that they are mirrors, but not really opposite?) Maybe that's what you meant. I dunno...Maybe I should drink more coffee : )

It seems to me that what these two sides of the same coin have in common is judgement, or where I put the focus of myself within the box. Pairing elements of both sides together. Maybe Journey should have a public fundraiser?

journeyingrick said...

anon
let it be is right! give it a good backbeat and let it roll! it's all part of the dance.
chiron
absolutely. jacob and esau are two sides of the same coin; that's why they're twins in the story. the symbolism is beautiful. the story seems to say ... so, we're all like that. all of us. these are parts of who we are. embrace it. and instead of being like cain and abel, brothers who fight and one is dead, be like jacob and esau, who fight and are reconciled after a long journey.

i'm just letting god tell me/us what money means today at jifc. it's not as big a deal as it feels like - money is the hot-button for our culture. it's a mirror, that's all.
but ways to get money in? that's a good discussion to have. thnx.