the blog levite chronicles has this post from january 21; it seemed to speak to some things that i think are happening within me, and maybe others too:
Three starting observations:
- I’ve had two brief conversations in the last couple of days with friends who are struggling with motivation, who are drifting Both have recently finished times of preparation, each have had significant changes in their lives during the past months.
- I heard that today is the most depressed day of the year, with a convergence of Christmas bills coming due, the weather proving that it is in fact winter (and Groundhog Day itself is still a couple weeks off), and the demise of many of our resolutions, even those made half-heartedly.
i thought that the answer was to go on a silent retreat, get myself together, look forward, re-vision, get a sense of what it's all about.
i instead started back to work, hanging out at the journey warehouse, talking to friends, getting back to work. i didn't do these things on purpose - it's just what happened to need to be done. and lo and behold: journeyers are wonderful people, what god is doing through this faith community is startling and gorgeous and profound, i have great friends and an amazing wife and son and daughter, and my vision for the world is worth pursuing after all.
levite chronicles also added this:
- Many friends, whether I see them online or offline, want to live lives of significance, lives that matter. We look at productivity and time-management and planning as ways to function more more efficiently (doing things right) and effectively (doing the right things). And still, even as we get the methods working right, we still have a deep longing to matter.
i dumped my plate a few years ago. accepted that i'm not everything to everyone. fired my inner Hero. let go of the construct that says if i do it right, i can get it all done.
went into therapy. did men's work. became completely invested in my life's purpose. started taking naps and resting and reading for fun. let go. slowed down. did less. asked for help.
guess what: i don't read books on time management or efficiency. i don't start programs at journey. i don't prove anything. i don't make anything happen. i surf the Spirit. i listen a lot. i'm not so afraid. when it's time for me to stop, i stop. i'm even learning not to say yes to anything i'm not going to do. "no" is a good word.
the base, for me, is to know it's okay and i'm okay and the beloved of God no matter how things go. this was huge for me. earthquake, plate-tectonic-shift huge. shiva the destroyer of worlds huge.
i feel more free than i ever have in my life. how the fuck did that happen? i don't know, but i'll take it.