Thursday, January 24, 2008

destroyer of worlds

the blog levite chronicles has this post from january 21; it seemed to speak to some things that i think are happening within me, and maybe others too:

Three starting observations:

  • I’ve had two brief conversations in the last couple of days with friends who are struggling with motivation, who are drifting Both have recently finished times of preparation, each have had significant changes in their lives during the past months.
  • I heard that today is the most depressed day of the year, with a convergence of Christmas bills coming due, the weather proving that it is in fact winter (and Groundhog Day itself is still a couple weeks off), and the demise of many of our resolutions, even those made half-heartedly.
i got very, very tired in november and december. i crashed out on purpose after christmas. did nothing. hung with family. napped. by the time the first full week of january got here, i was convinced my ministry was meaningless and that i had nothing to say and journey ifc was on the wrong track.
i thought that the answer was to go on a silent retreat, get myself together, look forward, re-vision, get a sense of what it's all about.
i instead started back to work, hanging out at the journey warehouse, talking to friends, getting back to work. i didn't do these things on purpose - it's just what happened to need to be done. and lo and behold: journeyers are wonderful people, what god is doing through this faith community is startling and gorgeous and profound, i have great friends and an amazing wife and son and daughter, and my vision for the world is worth pursuing after all.

levite chronicles also added this:
  • Many friends, whether I see them online or offline, want to live lives of significance, lives that matter. We look at productivity and time-management and planning as ways to function more more efficiently (doing things right) and effectively (doing the right things). And still, even as we get the methods working right, we still have a deep longing to matter.
i used to think the way for my life to make sense was to make my days make sense. to manage my time more efficiently. to get myself together, organizationally and in terms of schedule and how i handle the stuff on my plate. i read books on organization and management and holding it together. i worked hard.
i dumped my plate a few years ago. accepted that i'm not everything to everyone. fired my inner Hero. let go of the construct that says if i do it right, i can get it all done.
went into therapy. did men's work. became completely invested in my life's purpose. started taking naps and resting and reading for fun. let go. slowed down. did less. asked for help.
guess what: i don't read books on time management or efficiency. i don't start programs at journey. i don't prove anything. i don't make anything happen. i surf the Spirit. i listen a lot. i'm not so afraid. when it's time for me to stop, i stop. i'm even learning not to say yes to anything i'm not going to do. "no" is a good word.
the base, for me, is to know it's okay and i'm okay and the beloved of God no matter how things go. this was huge for me. earthquake, plate-tectonic-shift huge. shiva the destroyer of worlds huge.
i feel more free than i ever have in my life. how the fuck did that happen? i don't know, but i'll take it.


Melinda Hasting said...

Love you. Love this entry.

"i used to think the way for my life to make sense was to make my days make sense."

Right on. I'm there- wish I could let that go.

lisa carlton said...

You stayed with it. When I get down or worn out I typically think I better find a new plan...write 100 journal pages...create movement. It is becoming clearer to me that the deal most of the time is just to stay with awake. I'm always amazed at the beauty that shows up when I'm awake and not moving so fast trying to make something up. Blessings in your freedom!

PS: I was feeling like shit a couple nights ago and BC poined out to me it was Blue Monday.

Rick Diamond said...

well, it's a work in progress, y'know? i'm learning it as i go.
as mlk said, i have seen the mountaintop.

Rick Diamond said...

lc - the problem with being awake is seeing! i hate that shit! so ... it's a process, as i said to miz melinda ...
blessings in YOUR freedom!!!

Anonymous said...

probably my fav rohr quote is:

’How can I be more holy?’ We don’t have to make ourselves holy. We already are, and we just don’t know it. In Christian terminology is called the Divine Indwelling or the free gift of the Holy Spirit. That proclamation, and all that proceeds from it, is the essential, foundational, and primary task of all religion. Thus, authentic religion is more about subtraction than addition, more letting go of the false self than any attempt at engineering a true self. You can’t create what you already have

nonprofitprophet said...

Word. Your ministry may not seem great to you all the time. the big BUT is God's ministry THRU you is awesome. Word from the prophet. ~npp

Rick Diamond said...


Rick Diamond said...

back at YOU NPP!!!

Anonymous said...

If there is a God (and I am sure there is) the "sense of the day" is already in the day, so my attempt to "make my day make sense" starts off on the wrong foot. I can't make sense of the day any more than I can make the day in the first place. What I can do, and what Jesus says to do, is to love and to serve -- the best I can. If I can do this, I believe that I can share in the sense of the day (God's sense) the sense of all time and all places (God's sense). The awesomeness of the sense of things which is God's presence.

When I make things more complicated than love and service by all my to do lists, resolutions, diagrams and calculations -- trying to create the world in my image -- make the world made sense to me -- that is when I am in the most trouble.

I respect your personal journey.

Rick Diamond said...